March 25, 2007

TRASHERY 33

FROM ‘THE KHAYYAM OF OMAR RUBAIYAT’
By Edward Fitzgerald and J. Edward Oliver

Here with a Loaf of Bread beneath the Bough,
A Flask of Wine, a Book of Verse – and Thou
Beside me singing in the Wilderness –
Well, singing flat like a Wilderness, anyhow.

* * *
The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on; nor all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a word of it.
It’s a pity the Finger didn’t use a Utensil:
It would have been easier written in Pencil.

March 18, 2007

TRASHERY

YOU ARE OLD, FATHER WILLIAM
By Lewis Carroll and J. Edward Oliver

‘You are old, Father William,’ the young man said,
‘And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head –
Do you think, at your age, it is right?’

‘Most people won’t do it, they think that it’s dull,’
Said Dad, ‘But I can’t see it’s wrong.
My feet stretch right up to the top of my skull
And my legs are incredibly long.’

March 10, 2007

TRASHERY 31

KHUBLA KHAN’T
By Samuel Taylor Coleridge and J.Edward Oliver

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
It worked so well, he built one more –
At nearby princely Brighton-On-Sea.

March 4, 2007

TRASHERY 30

CARGOES 2
Inspired by John Masefield

Saucy Sue of Sydenham from distant Greenhithe
Steaming back at bed-time from Southend’s mile-long pier,
With a cargo of candy floss,
And rock and postcards,
Screaming kids, their mums and dads all tanked on beer.

Plodding Woolwich Ferry coming from the North side,
Carving through the channel of the sludge-brown Thames,
With a cargo of coaches,
Lorries, private cars,
Not too many drivers here are smuggling gems.

Eddie Stobart lorry, haulage with a fan club,
Spreading through the world as far as old Tangiers,
With a cargo of T-shirts,
Model trucks, baseball caps,
No room for goods, they’re full right up with Stobart souvenirs.

February 25, 2007

TRASHERY 29

The Tiger
By William Blake and J.Edward Oliver

Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright
In the forests of the night,
I wonder who set you alight?

February 18, 2007

TRASHERY 28

THE KNIGHT MALE
By W.H.Auden and J.Edward Oliver

This is the night mail crossing the border,
Bringing the cheque and the postal order,
Letters for the rich and the poor alike…
Oh, God! The drivers have gone on strike!

February 11, 2007

INTERESTING LIES

INTERESTING LIES No. 54321

The ‘J’ in ‘J.Edward Oliver’ stands for ‘Jehovah’.

February 4, 2007

TRASHERY 27

HOME THOUGHTS FROM A BLOKE

“Oh to be in England
Now that April’s there
Because its rather chilly”,
Thought Jim, the polar bear.

January 28, 2007

HEALTHWATCH 11

Hopping on one leg 50 times a day can help women beat bone-wasting osteoporosis, a study found. Tests over a six-month period showed a stronger hip and heel in the leg used for hopping but not in the other leg.

Standing blindfolded in a bath of cold rice pudding can cure corns, boffins have discovered. Not only does this soothe the skin but vision is improved by 100% as soon as the blindfold is removed.

~ The Sun, 22 JA 07

Oh, all right, I admit it: I made up the second one. But the first is supposedly genuine.

January 21, 2007

HEALTHWATCH 10

Boffins have discovered that bright light in the morning may help you slim. When overweight people were exposed to the light they ate less during the day, say researchers at the Russian Academy of Medical Sciences.

If you want to drink less, just grab a thin glass. Research at Cornell University shows people pour 20 to 20 per cent more booze into short, wide glasses than into tall, narrow ones.
~ News Of The World, 10 DC 06